Good riddance! That’s exactly what I want to say to 2020.
I’m a few days late with my annual tradition of publishing year-ender posts. Life happens. Better late than never, right? As I write down this post, I contemplate the horrible things that have happened in the past year. Apart from the pandemic hitting us all, there were personal issues and monsters I needed to battle. It was indeed a year that I personally need to move on from.
2 days. 2 days since I hold off in writing this. Up to this point, I’m still struggling with what to write down for this post. I don’t expect people to understand what’s going through my mind but I’m sure people battling anxiety and depression will agree with me when I say it’s hard to remember things you want to let go of without having to undergo panic attacks and breakdowns.
Locked and Trapped
The lockdown, to be honest, wasn’t the worst part of 2020 (for me). It’s the constant mental breakdowns, the feeling of being locked in and trapped in your own mind, and having to overthink on thoughts so much that they practically cloud your vision.
2020 basically brought out the worst in me to the point that I myself had to isolate myself from society. Not because it’s government-mandated due to the pandemic but because I no longer want to inflict more pain on people close to me.
But despite 2020 being a shitty year, I’m still grateful for everything that has transpired that year.
I finally had the courage to open up a little about my story to people who matter and whom I know will be able to help me get through this.
I’m grateful for opportunities that came my way and despite businesses closing down, I’m very thankful and blessed to have clients and work that helped us pay and get through those times. I’m glad that our work wasn’t affected and we still managed to survive and get by despite what’s happening around us.
I’m also very thankful to people who have stayed despite my shortcomings, mental breakdowns, and constant need to push people away. I don’t need to mention each and every one of you but know that I am beyond grateful and lucky to have you in my life.
A year we all want to forget and just tuck away in a hidden cellar. A year we wanted to, so badly, end. I know COVID doesn’t have a calendar and will just magically disappear once 2021 arrives, but 2020 was just THAT bad that we just wanted to get rid of it as soon as possible.
As I end my ramblings for this post, I’d like to leave you off with something that my therapist said during one of the sessions I’ve had with him last year. It goes something like this:
The environment that broke you can’t be the same environment that can put you back together. You can’t grow from the same place that made you feel small. You have so much strength, passion, and potential – and I hate to see you waste it on things and people that doesn’t deserve you. I want you to be strong and dependent on yourself only. I want you to depend on yourself for happiness and not run around chasing people in the hopes of finding genuine happiness from them. And most importantly, I want you to depend on yourself for love.